overwhelmed

i'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment.
usually it's my own fault.
and this is no exception.
fall is busy with a flurry of activity.
i've committed myself in many different areas.
i have my hands dipped in many pots.
i've said yes... feeling God move me towards an affirmation in each area.

yet, i still struggle.
i still feel like i've yet to find that perfect balance between commitments, necessities, family, friends, and more.
quite possibly, i'll never find the balance.
and when i start to feel overwhelmed looking at all my responsibilities, i naturally put myself into an anxious space.
and when i'm anxious i feel like i have tunnel vision.
i can't quite see the peripheral.
i can't quite grasp the things that i can ask for help with.
i feel burdened and heavy with duties and loyalties to people.
did you read that last line right?
... with duties and loyalties to people.
when i get into this space, i tend to want to shut down.

and really, when i'm overwhelmed, i forget to ask God for help.
i get so busy and so wrapped up in activity that i fail to acknowledge God's sovereign hand.
my duties and loyalties need to be to Him... and Him alone.
when i actually pause and devote time to speaking with Him and reading His word, i feel better.
i can and do handle it a lot better.
i don't do it all perfectly.
not at all.
but somehow, i can manage things in snippets and not get overwhelmed looking at the big picture.

so, here i am in this anxious space again.
what am i going to do about it all?
first and foremost, i'm praying!
pray, pray, pray, pray, pray my little heart out!
second, i need to read my bible.
luckily, i started a beth moore bible study this morning...
which means i'll be intentionally getting into The Word.

thirdly, i think i need to start making lists.
i mean, practicality needs to come in here too, right?
a dear friend of mine is a list maker.
she has a new list each and every day and crosses things off that list.
the thought of lists sorta overwhelm me too...
like it's just another job to do.
ha!
but maybe i should actually giving it a try?
and fourthly, i need to stop guilting myself when i mess up.
when i forget to get something done, when i neglect that 'list' and when i just need to have a little 'me' time.
so here goes nothing... pray, read my bible, make lists and be kind to myself because i will mess up.
can i feel my heart rate slowing down now?
well, not quite yet.
but i'm gonna try hard and know that it's not actually about me.
that God is still using me, even in my anxiousness.
and that all He asks of me is to keep my eyes on Him.

a big day

i have less than an hour to write a couple of thoughts down on here space.
today is my baby's fifth birthday.
FIVE!

every birthday is a milestone for each of my girls, but the fifth one was always big.
turning five meant you get to go to kindergarten.
and today just happens to be HER first day of kindergarten!
such an exciting time for children.
such a dreaded time for a lot of mamas out there.
i'm one of those.
baby h... my little sidekick will now be away from me every day for a few hours.
it's exciting and heart palpitation inducing, bittersweet and heart-renching all at once.
i'm a jumble of emotions and i'm hanging by just a thread.
yet, she. is. so. happy.
to her, five is the number she's been waiting for!

five means independence, new adventures, fun, fun and more fun!
she's so ready... so why aren't i?
i long for the days that i could hold her in my arms and rock her 'til she fell asleep.
where she relied on me for everything.
yes, they were exhausting... i was sleep deprived... cranky, i'm sure of it.
but looking through the lens of rose colored nostalgia, it's everything that i'm missing now!
sure, i'll have some more freedom.
i'll be able to have time to devote to other hobbies, people, community, church, etc.
those things are all good too, i recognize it.
but it's still a tough day.
like a double whammy... her fifth birthday and her first day of kindergarten all in one day.
almost too much for this mama to handle!
i got a text with instructions to turn the music up real loud... and dance around naked.
i might leave out the last part for today... but i'll take her advice and dance to some loud music.
a tear or two might fall from my eyes and maybe i'll just say it's the spirit of the music that's running through me!
and not the fact that my babies are growing before my eyes!
carpe diem!
thank you Lord for every good and perfect gift!
even the ones that are bittersweet!

beach pics by my talented friend charmaine toews.

why hello old friend

why have i stayed away so long.
i'm not entirely sure.
life got busy.
real busy.
but, if i'm being honest, i didn't feel like putting energy into this space.
my head (and heart) space was full enough that i didn't want to devote any time to this little old blog.
but there were nights that i'd have thoughts pouring through my brain and i just wanted to will myself the effort to let my fingers grace the keyboard.
but then i'd turn over, lazy, and close my eyes and try to fall back asleep.
i've often felt my best ideas for blog posts come to me in the middle of the night.
and rarely have any of them made it on to here.
but they continue to swim around in my mind and maybe one day they'll emerge!
one day.
today is not that day.
today is just a day to say, "oh hey! hello! i'm still here!!"
again, i'm like a broken record, i've said that many times before.
i don't think i'm actually going to be on here regularly... but i will try to post a little more often than every 6 months.
(6 months!?!? wow!)
a lot has happened in six months!
joy and tribulations... moments of celebration and times of weeping.
and everything in between!
life is exhausting!  but wonderful!
i'm happy to be alive and sing songs to my Saviour!
and i'm thankful that His grace continues to cover me!

and because i can... here's a snippet of life over the past 6 months.  :)

please stop turning into a teenager over night.

palm desert skies.

hiking with nana and papa.

two of us were digging this hike.

we always make time for frozen yogurt!

bathing suits optional in nana and papa's palm desert house (when you're a kid, of course).

i spy a preggo belly!! (that was my then unborn niece in there)

"if they don't win it's a shame!!

for it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ball game!"

date night to the opera!!

a good memory that they sometimes do get along.

serving for compassion at my old childhood church home!

kindergarten orientation day.
is she really old enough???

mother's day weekend, nursery trip, church and a special race!

my oldest was the last one of the girls to get her ears pierced.
she waited 'til she was ready.

extraordinary amounts of rain led to some flooding for a day.

leading the bike squad to school!

i wish i could say my devotions have been awesome this summer...
but alas, they've majorly fallen by the wayside.
i'm hoping once we are back into routine come fall that i'll be right back in the word.

someone's flexible!

moving on to middle school next year!!

a new little baby girl cousin in our family!!!

got to get me as much baby snuggles as i can!

goodbye great grandma!
til we meet again!

camping with 6 kids is the bomb (as long as you have lots of caffeine).

that's our life in a nutshell in the past half year.
:)