who am i to deserve this grace?

so this post is gonna kind of be about me.
i'm just feeling blah today.
tired, drained, blue, self conscious, anxious...
lots of emotions running around in my head and my heart.

sometimes i wish i were someone else.
someone different.
someone more exciting.
more real.
someone not afraid to be completely themselves.
i don't know.
am i authentic enough?
do people know the real me?
am i afraid to be the real me?
sometimes.

there are a select few, whom i believe get to see the real me.
in all my glorious ugliness and sinfulness.
but even there... i stop.
i'm not so good at showing myself to others.
what i am good at is stowing things away.
keeping things 'tidy' in a nice little box.
my emotions and feelings, bottled up and put up high, on the highest of shelves.
even too far for me to reach.
i feel like it's quite easy for me to show off the "nice and perfect" me.
the me that's put together and handling everything in stride.
why do i do that?
i'm not sure.
why do i feel like i need to always be composed?
always need to be strong?
always need to be everything to everyone?
always need to...
have it together?

oh Lord...
You see the real me.
You delight in the real me.
You give life to my dreams.
You give life to me.

how can He do that?
how can He love me so?
even when i'm not so good at loving Him.
not so good at loving those people around me.
i mess up.
i sin.
i constantly need forgiveness.
He is gracious and abounding in love.
for me.
for ME!
i need to accept it... and let myself shine.
show people who i am even if it's not the prettiest of pictures.
but it is a picture of God's grace.
i am a picture of God's grace.
He gives me everything i don't deserve.

so i will try...
i will try to be the real me, at all times.
i will open up when asked.
i will not try to be perfect.
i will accept love when it's freely given.
i will freely give my love when it's needed.
i will share what's on my heart to those around me.
i will give of my time for the sake of others.
i will try not to grumble when my time is compromised.
i will show the real me.

Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time—pray that our God will make you fit for what he's called you to be, pray that he'll fill your good ideas and acts of faith with his own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, he will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely.
2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 (MSG)