9

""Be... " was inspired by realizing all the things that a child not born would not experience. The writing in the background lists positive actions and activities and experiences a child not born would never know. This project was on my heart for an extended amount of time. It was an emotional piece to complete." - Jessica Gilliland


today marks the 9th anniversary of a sad event in my life.
9 years ago today i experienced a miscarriage.
and after that day, my life has never been the same.
traumatic events have a certain way of changing the course of your life.
they often alter the way you think and feel.
during that time i was completely and utterly devastated.
i was a few days shy of being 13 weeks.
13 weeks!
this is the time when you're finally starting to feel good again.
you're telling everyone the good news.
you're out of that "danger zone".
at least that's what i thought.
i'm not sure why, maybe because i'm a private person, but we didn't share our pregnancy news with a lot of people.
we only let our closest friends and family know.
maybe subconsciously i knew something would happen?
i'm not sure.
but when it did happen, i was in a state of shock.
i knew bleeding while you're pregnant wasn't good.
to make a very long story short, after a couple of days, my already passed on baby was removed from my uterus.
i felt empty.
i hurt... physically, yes, but emotionally i was in the worst kind of pain.
the feelings of grief consumed me.
i couldn't think about anything else but that baby that i lost.
it was my little august baby.
that's what i called it (because i was due in august).
i just couldn't figure out why God would want to put me through so much pain.
i couldn't look beyond my own circumstances.
i was drowning in a sea of doubt and anger.
it was a tough time in my life.
and during that time all i wanted was to go back to what it was like before.
i wanted to wish the whole entire experience away.
i didn't think there was any worth in it.
what was the point?
you can probably figure out what happened after...
i got pregnant again.
and, blessedly, that baby was brought to full term and i delivered a healthy baby girl.
plus two more afterward.
but i never forget that first baby.
and always, around this time of year, i remember my little august baby.
and although i'm sad that i had a little baby that i never met, i know that i'll meet him/her in heaven one day.
and now, do i regret that miscarriage?
never.
it has shaped who i am.
it has softened my heart... it has brought me closer to a lot women who have experienced similar events.
it helped me to not take for granted those subsequent pregnancies.
and above all else, it helped me realize that God was with me that entire time.
when i felt most alone and broken, i think He was probably reaching out the hardest for me.
i couldn't see it because i was so consumed but afterward i saw His hand on my life.
without that miscarriage, we wouldn't have our firstborn daughter.
it was a hidden blessing... a moment in my life where i could only see a tiny part of the tapestry that's being woven.
now that i see a piece of the bigger picture i know not to be afraid when we go through tough stuff.
He is ever faithful to provide, amidst and especially IN those moments.
so i say, "thank you Lord for that time, 9 years ago...
for my sweet august baby....
and for loving me through the mess.
i know now that You knew exactly what You were doing."


this verse was my saving grace during the winter/spring of 2003.
a close friend tucked a hand written note into my pocket at church and this is what it read:


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


i still have that note, all these years later...