diving in

while on vacation in palm desert over the past couple of weeks, my oldest daughter learnt to dive.
with so much pool action happening, it was the perfect time to teach her.
honestly, she probably got it on the second or third try.
it was no problem for her.
it just came easily.
but i wonder if it would have been difficult, would she have kept trying?

i like to believe yes.
but when i'm trying to "dive" into something and it doesn't come easily...
what do i do?
to be honest, i give up quite a lot.
i'm not proud of this.
it's something i'm working on.

remember... my word for the year?
change.
little by little, i'm trying failing to change.
and i think i've finally figured out the problem.
i'm trying to do it on my own.
yet again.
duh...
you think after all these years i'd have enough sense to know i can't do it alone.

that i never will be able to do it on my own.
no, not ever.
i need Jesus.
i need Him.
for sure today, most definitely tomorrow and always in the future.

my weaknesses are too great.
and when i think of how pathetic and selfish i can be...
well, let's just say it can get quite depressing and overwhelming.
how can i ever change?
my God's grace IS, however, big enough for me.
not when i'm changed... but NOW!

right in this moment... when i'm scarred, when i'm broken down, when i'm tired and frustrated.
when i've hurt others, when they've hurt me, when i make mistakes.
His grace is sufficient for me.
and because of that...
i can just dive right in!
and not only into those safe and secure pools...
i can dive right into the ocean... wide, deep, dark and expansive.
some of those closest to me know that my greatest fear is the deep ocean.
and even there...
especially there my Saviour is with me.

knowing that He's there to pull me out of the crashing waves, no matter how strong the undercurrent is, gives me peace.
and confidence.
even when i'm down and out.
so, i'm going to have to try diving in...
and trusting that i'll never sink.