feeling God

there are many times that i feel like God is a God that's far away.
my measly problems shouldn't matter to Him when He's busy dealing with all the other crap in the world.
but the more i think about it... the more i realize it's not Him that's keeping Himself from me.
it's simply ME... i'm keeping myself from HIM!
He's always there.
it's me that has to choose whether or not i want to notice Him... or recognize that He's patiently waiting.

i have lots of friends and family in my life that run.
run to keep in shape... run to be healthy... run for stress relief... run for fun!
i run for all these reasons... but i also run for my time with God.
when i have at least a half hour of uninterrupted time to listen to Him... to blast my praise music...
ahhh... there's not much better than that.
and i felt His presence ever so close to me this morning.
i love to sing!
but when i'm running, it's not really the best time to sing.
actually, it's friggin' hard to sing while running.
ha!
anyway, after my run, i sat on my driveway and stretched while still listening to music.
that's when i start to sing.
my poor neighbours!
i can't even hear how loud i'm singing because my headphones are on full.
so i'm sitting there stretching and listening to mercy me's, "word of God speak".

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That you're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In your holiness 
Word of God speak


when i hear these words, i'm praying them.
i'm crying out to God.
i feel His spirit.
and what do you know happened?

it starts to rain.
little drops of rain are hitting my face.
and i know... i know... He IS in this place.
because i chose to feel Him.
i recognized that i needed to seek Him out.
as i watch the rain i'm also confronted with this...
some rain is nice.
but they're just drops on the surface.
just spots on the pavement.
but as the rain comes down, you can see something clearly.

the rain, the more there is, is reflecting.
it's reflecting like a mirror.
the more rain... the more reflection.
the more pain... the more of God we can show... IF we choose to.
so God, pour down like rain.
keep nudging me in my quiet moments.
help me to keep on seeking You.

keepin' it real!

let's face it... my last post?
yeah, sorta deep.
and those that know me in real life, know that i'm not typically like that.
or that... i can be like that, but it sometimes requires pulling it out of me.
ha ha!
so let's keep it real here...
and show some "normal" life!
you know... like ZERO make up.
(not even sure i've washed my face yet.)
i've said before, i LOVE my new nespresso machine.
this coffee is DA bomb!!
(do cool cats still use this phrase?  b/c i'm clearly hip... considering i just used the term 'cool cats'.)

oh... and what do we have here?
just a little skor bar cookie goodness pulled out from the freezer and baked just for me...
yup... for breakfast!
that's how i roll!

oh yeah... and her?
that's my little girl.
sitting and watching her new favorite movie, "the princess and the popstar".
seriously... she's obsessed.
walks around with a microphone and sings the songs ALL DAY LONG.
(she's SO not her mother's daughter!!!  ha ha ha ha!)
yeah, and she's watching a movie so i can work.
which i'm obviously doing... right?  right?
oh wait... no.
need to do my birth doula recertification... now.

i'm a procrastinator.
can you tell?
ok... bye!

seasonal changes

as the warm autumn breeze was blowing yesterday afternoon, i couldn't help but notice that beauty abounds.
beauty is in the changing of the season, God showed that to me in my own backyard.

beauty is also in the changing of my heart.
using the temperature changes in life to cultivate new passions and stir deep yearnings in my soul.

for something more... for more of Him.
always pointing me further to Him.
and, like the passing of one season to the next, i know He's ever moulding and shaping me.

it's a never ending process that is both frightening... and exhilarating.
being open to move where He wants me to go... following unashamed and boldly.

and let us not grow weary of doing good, 
for in due season we will reap,
if we do not give up.
galatians 6:9

he controls the times and the seasons;
he makes and unmakes kings;
it is he who gives wisdom and understanding.
daniel 2:21

sunday song

randomness on a wednesday...

just wanted to write out a few new things.

my littlest!
oh, how i just love her.
maybe it's because she's the baby of the family, but i just can't get enough hugs and snuggles from her.

lucky me, because she actually is a bit of a cuddler (nothing like #2, however MUCH more than #1).
i just want to remember how she is r.i.g.h.t. n.o.w.
how she uses 'my' in replace of 'i' when she speaks ("can my have some?").

how she always wants to wear a dress or skirt.
how she puts her shoes on the wrong feet.

how she sucks on her finger anytime she feels satin (even on the tag of her carseat!).
how she is so excited about dance class... doing her first 'rainbow' position and doing the splits all the time.

how she asks for me to sing her to sleep.  every. single. night.
how her perfect little lips have the perfect little pout!

she's such a little joy in my life and i'm so glad i get my days at home with her now that the older two are in full time school.
what a blessing!
another blessing...

my new coffee machine!!!!!
ahhhhhh!
ain't she pretty?!
i honestly am in LOVE with this thing.
is it possible to want to adopt this machine into our real family.

like go to the judge and ask him to add her to our health insurance?
yes, it's a her.
she is lovely.
and sleek.
and a workhorse.
i am smitten.

her liquid is strong and smooth and reminds me of the java in italy.
what a way to start a morning, huh?

in other news... my husband got to see peyton manning this past weekend.

he went to see his beloved texans play the broncos.
is it strange that he took picture after picture of men... 

stretching... 

working out...

and jamming to their music?

i'm trying not to be weirded out.
ha!
he had a great time... so i guess that's all that matters?

while he was away and i was single parenting...
numero uno and i went to a race.

it was her 2nd 5k! 
this time we ran with another one of my good friends and her little daughter.

the weather was cool but great for a race.
it was a fun time!
i really hope to continue racing with big k... and then with little k and baby h in the future!

and last but not least...
i start SCHOOL tonight!
yes, school.
i am taking an early childhood education course, paid for by the preschool i work at 1 day/week.
it should be interesting.
and i'm crossing my fingers the workload won't be too bad.
hopefully we'll just get to color, make crafts and play dress up all the time?
no?
one can hope, right?

(this was up on the whiteboard in our preschool staff room to give us encouragement during the first week of school)

birthday realizations...

so, another year came and went.

i celebrated my birthday a week ago.

i always think it's kinda funny when people call on your birthday and ask, "so... how does it feel?"

am i supposed to feel any different than the day before?

does turning another year older mean i'll feel differently from one year to the next?

i think aging has more to do with seasons in your life than with the number of your years.

and so i don't feel right now that the age of 33 is drastically different than the age of 32.

this season in my life right now happens to be pretty predictable.

but ask me a year from now... and a whole lot may have changed.

i don't know what will happen in this next year of my life.

or next season of my life.

i just have to try and live day to day, moment to moment.

i don't know what the future holds... only the One that holds the future!

i need to remind myself of that often.

regularly i have to pinch myself... i have two school aged children and one not far behind!

it doesn't help that lately my girls have taken to wanting to watch old video tape.

they love to see themselves as babies and little toddlers up on the TV screen.

if i'm being honest, i love to watch them too.

i'm a sucker for nostalgia!

i love to remember those moments.

and, in hindsight, those moments when i had little ones at home were wonderful!

i almost can't remember the "bad" times... but i know they were there.

there are times i wish i could transport myself back to those simpler times.

when i could just be at home... in pajamas with my girls... all day long... nowhere to be... no one to see.

and then i get sad.

and i think of all the wasted moments i've had in my life.

the times i've brushed my kids off when they wanted to play, "mommy's busy", "mommy's working", "mommy's tired".

and i wish i could grab hold of that mama and say, "STOP!  stop what you're doing!"

pay attention to those little ones.

they won't be little ones forever.

the dishes can wait... supper can be take-out again... those emails can be answered later...

and i think, why couldn't i have paid more attention and treasured those moments when they were small.

and then i pinch myself AGAIN!

and i realize... they ARE still small.

they ARE still young.

i may not be super mom.

they may not always have the healthiest of meals because their favorite food is noodles.

they may have dirt behind their ears because i didn't want to fight to get them in the bath again.

they're not gonna remember if our house was spotless or if all their laundry was clean.

but i know they'll remember the laughing, the playing, the creating.

this is a challenge to myself in this next year to maximize my time.

to be more intentional with my children... to stop wasting moments... and to stop feeling guilty.

motherhood is hard enough.

i will use the opportunity of my birthday and the new "year" upon me to be the best ME i can.

Lord willing, i'll do some good things this year and use the mistakes to grow and learn from.

just got up

not me... her.

she needed to catch up a bit from camping this weekend.
going to bed at midnight and up at 8 for a couple days in a row does not make for a happy camper.
yay for no school today!!!
catch up time was needed and it did her good!  :)