9 years today

it's hard to believe it, but today i have a 9 year old daughter.
she was born on a blistery day in january, exactly 9 years ago.
i was not prepared at all.
oh yes... i sure thought i was.

i thought i knew exactly what i was in for.
turns out, i was not ready for what labor actually was...
and even more ill prepared to handle a little tiny baby.
luckily, breastfeeding came easy.
but everything else?
hard!
hard, like mad hard!

i was physically in a lot of pain... but emotionally even worse.
my anxiety was cray-zay!
she was born after we had a miscarriage, almost a year earlier.
so every little thing seemed heightened, whether good or bad.
every cry... every cough (she had some breathing issues)... every time she slept, even.
("i haven't heard her... she must have stopped breathing... go get her... NOW!!")
you could say we were the atypical first time parents.
but this little baby i speak of... well, she's grown up.
sometimes it feels like i can just close my eyes and picture sitting in her nursery...

bees and dragonflies on the walls...
nursing her in a chair by the window...
soft sunlight peeking through the drapes.
i miss that room.
i miss those times.
with a little baby.
they were SO hard then.
so incredibly difficult.
but now i look back and miss them so much.

i sit here sobbing for all those wasted moments i tried to wish away.
for now my baby doesn't want my arms to hold her all day long.
my back doesn't hurt from rocking her to sleep all hours of the day.
she's growing up and there's nothing i can do about it.

*i literally just got a text from a friend.
this is what it read:

Did you realize that 9 yrs old is half way to 18? :(

and just like that... here we are.
half way to adulthood.
luckily she still very much relies on us.
she is very responsible though and i feel i probably put way too much pressure on her.
i hope she'll forgive me one day for making her the stereotypical first born.
poor girl has had to be the guinea pig at all times.

i'm so proud of the girl she's becoming.
her daddy does blessings with all three girls each and every night.
each girl loves to get their "blessings".
and my sweet big k always adds to the card.
just a couple days ago she says, "daddy, can we add a couple of more blessings to the blessings card?"
big m says, "of course!  what?"
big k answers, "thankfulness and courage."
i love that she is thoughtful and reflective.
i could tell that she had been musing over this and was excited to add it to the list.
i rely so much on her!
i don't think she realizes that i wouldn't be able to handle our home properly without her help.
i need to tell her this more often instead of just expecting that she knows she's needed and appreciated.

today we will celebrate her life!
it's time to party!
she's having 8 little girls over to paint nails and play.
we will eat pizza, enjoy a home made baked cake by her auntie d and open presents.
and i will watch my little girl turn into a little lady.

thank you Jesus for blessing me with this gift!
thank you that You knew what You were doing by giving her to us after such heart ache.
i can't wait to see where her life takes her!

happy 9th birthday big k!
you'll always be my little sweetpea!
xoxo