saying goodbye

i'm sitting here writing when i should be laying in bed trying to fall asleep.
but my mind is racing and i cannot settle... so i thought i'd write.
tonight we lost an amazing woman in the world.
tonight we lost big m's grandma r.
she passed in the 21st hour of this day.
she let go and went to be with her savior, Jesus... and to be reunited with her husband again.

my mother in law told me she always thought her mom would pass in the springtime.
how it was just fitting for her.
oh grandma!
what a special lady she was.
i'm at a loss thinking that she is actually gone.
i've known her for only a short 15 years (since m and i have been together) and yet she's affected me so much.
she's a rock.
and not just any rock... but a rock that has suffered...
lived...
loved...
prayed hard...
and moved in this life with such grace and spirit that one cannot ignore the impact she's left behind.

she was a prayer warrior!
praying for everyone in her family.
she birthed 9 babies.
and almost all of those children have birthed more.
and more... and more.
it's a full and blessed family.
not without scars... not without heartache.
no.
but through it all, through the good and bad, she clung to her heavenly father.

she kept Him central in her life.
what an amazing witness she's been, unknowingly to all around her.
what i'll remember most is her gentle personality.
so sweet... so genuine.
she cared about you... everything about you.
and if you told her things, you knew she would be praying for you.
no judgement from her.
just love.
acceptance.
her kind eyes looked into yours and you felt her love.
she was wise and i appreciated her words of encouragement.
i received a special card from her over 10 years ago after we had our miscarriage.
she shared with me a tiny snippet of her crocheting work that she was doing for our baby.
she wrote in that card:

"we will just wait upon God for your next sweet little one.  
i started crocheting and i'll just keep on.  
faith lets God do it all.  
have patience and let your soul wait upon God and God alone to do the miracles that need to be done and surely he will send you another miracle."

what amazing wisdom she had!
at the time i couldn't understand her words.
and honestly, i felt like our heartache wasn't really being recognized.
now, in hindsight, i can see that she knew God's plan was best.
she too had lost a baby but she knew the truth that God was constant.
He had it all under control.
she knew what was to be.
our heartache and sorrow would be turned into joy.
we did have another baby... and two more afterward.

and she was able to see them all... and love on them all too!
what a special gift!
i am so thankful to have met her.
i'm so incredibly thankful my girls were able to meet her many times too.
her legacy of love, laughter, ice cream (she LOVED it!), faith, courage and strength will live on!

(see? her love of ice cream HAS been passed down!!!)

and now she is where she has so desperately wanted to be!
she's in heaven!
what was once a dream for her... is now reality!
and we have hope that one day we will see her again.

those that were acquainted with her personally know that she loved to cut out verses and poems to paste in her cards.

in that same card that she wrote a decade ago was this little poem:

"waiting! yes, trustfully waiting, i know, though i've waited long, 

that, while He withholds His purpose, His waiting cannot be wrong."

what a fitting reminder to what she's endured the past few months.
losing her husband of 60+ years in january, battling cancer, physical pain and loneliness and the ache of wanting to go to heaven.
after all the waiting, she's finally made it.
we will be reunited with her again too.
for now, we will live life with faith and perseverance, just like she did...
knowing that our prize in heaven awaits us at the end too.
we'll miss you grandma!!
love you forever!

running woes

so i've been down the past few weeks.
i've not been able to run for almost 4 weeks because of knee pain/issues.
i'm trying not to make a big deal of it because i know people have so much more on their plates.
but it's been a real struggle.
i guess i didn't know how much running meant to me and my mental well being until it was taken away.
i've been to physio for a few weeks now.
they originally thought it was my IT band.
i've had issues with it before, and it is a common running injury/pain.
but with work on it, it wasn't getting any better.
so today they reassessed and now they're thinking its my meniscus.
it is not a tear or anything that severe... but it's been aggravated.
i'm not sure why some people are more prone to this type of injury...
but yay me... i'm one of these people. (note the sarcasm)

so for now, i have to stay off it.
this is really frustrating.
i was training for a half marathon that's taking place this sunday, may 5th.
i will now consider my race fees a donation to the cause.
at least i get a tshirt out of the deal?
don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
who wears tshirts for races you've not completed... or even attended?
sort of embarrassing.
maybe it'll be my new paint shirt.
being in this place is hard.
i know that God is teaching me something in the process.
i'm sure of it.
but right now i just have pain and frustration.
and i'm just trying to deal with it.

driving home from my appointment today an old worship song popped into my head.
i haven't thought of this song in years...
but i know that God was bringing it to me at this moment.

I cry out,
For Your hand of mercy to heal me.
I am weak,
I need Your love to free me.
Oh, Lord, my Rock,
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, oh Lord.

You are my hope,
Your promise never fails me.
And my desire is to follow You forever.

For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me
For You are good,
For You are good,
For You are good to me

i sat in my car and cried.
God is so good to me.
and knowing that this is His plan, gives me peace.
it may not be what i want right now, but i put my hope in Him.
He still loves me.
nothing has changed... and maybe it's not my knee that needs healing.
i'm pretty sure He's just using my knee pain to get through to other areas of my life.
"yes, God... i am realizing this.", i say to Him.
and i am trying to listen and obey.
this is something i teach my kids... and something that i need lots of extra help in.

i want to do things my way.
i just want to get things done.
i'm a planner... an organizer (sometimes chaotic organizer?? doing a million things at once)... and a helper.
i just want to do.
you know... what do i need to do to make this better?
there isn't always an easy answer and this is hard for my heart and mind to process.
but i'm learning.
and regardless of how i'm doing...
i know He is always good to me.