when they're good enough

taking care of my chillins (children) has been draining and straining the last couple of weeks.
i'm not sure if it's because of the constant bickering, the deliberate disobedience, the whining, the talking back, the disrespect, the lack of sleep...
or just a kamikaze combination of everything.
it's been difficult, to say the least.

and i'm embarrassed to say i've been the snap-case mom as of late.
a lot of yelling, a lot of tears, a lot of anger.
it hasn't been pretty.
i just keep thinking, "plow through... plow through... it's gonna get better."
"it's just a stage they're going through."
"they'll start listening soon enough."
"consistency is key!"

i just feel so overwhelmed some days but i remind myself that it doesn't last forever.
well, i had a little bit of an epiphany today.
i know well indeed that these girls of mine won't stay little forever.
i have always known that.
but i still expect so much from them.
i feel like when they're disobedient or whatever (insert sinful nature here) that life is that much more frustrating.

today i realized that they will never be good enough.
they will never measure up and suddenly be perfectly well behaved children.
they will continue to do frustrating things and keep acting childish... because... well...
do i need to spell it out?
they ARE children.
duh!
i certainly don't have it all together... so why should they?
how can i be so clueless sometimes?

i think the Lord is teaching me to be ok in the chaos.
i think He's quietly whispering to me... "this is your life right now... get used to it!"
instead of wishing for them to be better, act better, do better.
i need to embrace who they are right now.
not who they can be.

and the craziness of our schedules?
well, i think i just need to roll with it.
look at the beauty in it.
we may not get the best balanced meals all the time.
my girls may show up at school with mismatched socks and unbrushed hair.
my toilets may go too long without a good cleaning.
home reading and piano practicing might not happen as often as they should.
and my hair just won't get washed as often as i'd like it to!

all of these things are ok.
it's my season.
and if i continue to wish for better behaved children and more time to breathe...
suddenly they will not be children anymore, and they will be out of my house.
and as far as my children being good enough...
Lord, forgive me!!
He continues to show ME so much grace and mercy, day after day, after day!
how can i not bestow an ounce of that on my little girls?

i need to be like Him.
they make mistakes... i make mistakes.
we ALL need grace and mercy and forgiveness.
and i need to focus on all the great things going on and offer my life as thanksgiving to Him.
the life i have now!
the messiness and the beauty... all wrapped into one.
it's not a picture perfect package, but it's mine.

(just to keep is all real... i know there's a lot of smiles and happy faces in these pictures, but it wasn't all like that... to be honest, when we tried to take that family picture?  it was chaos. my older two were hitting one another, for who even knows what reason, and crying ensued.  we had to take a time out.  then start up again... all to get just one decent picture.  again... just keepin' it real!)

mediocre

i wear many hats.
as in, i do many different things.
not to be confused with putting actual hats on my head.
(i actually rarely wear hats in real life... i don't think i'm a hat kinda girl)
i'm on a few committees.
i basically hold three different jobs outside of the home.
i have a bunch of different friend groups.
my hand is in many pots.
i'm a jack (jill?) of all trades, i guess you could say.
why is that?
is it just my nature to be involved in many different commitments and areas?
yes, i would say that i like to help out where i can.
but i will admit that i also do a lot in my life because i feel like i should.
now... there's a difference between should and can... and should and want to.
isn't there?
i'm fully guilty of saying yes because i don't want to disappoint people.
if you can't already tell, i'm a people pleaser!  ;)

i know i'm capable of many things.
am i really, really good at them all?
no.
i would say i'm pretty mediocre at most of them.
i was never the top of my class.
i was never the most popular girl.
i was certainly never the best player on any team i played on (even though i played on them all).
i was just ok.
i didn't fail at things (except for grade 9 english class... oops!).
i was just there, doing my thing.
and i'm still just there... doing my thing.
it might not be the most recognizable roles out there.
no one may ever see the tasks i complete or exactly how i'm impacting others.
it may only ever be Jesus that sees how worthy i am.

and even if i think, in my own little mind, that i'm merely just mediocre...
my Jesus believes it to be true that i'm far from ordinary.
He created me unique and special.
one of a kind.

"i will offer You my grateful heart, 
for i am Your unique creation, 
filled with wonder and awe.
You have approached even the smallest details with excellence;
Your works are wonderful;
i carry this knowledge deep within my soul."
pslam 139:14

i claim this for my daughters and tell them this all the time.
why can i not do it for myself?
why is it so difficult to say and announce as truth?
i feel almost terrible when i say that i'm good at something.
i believe this is pretty common in most women.

and i will say that i probably hold back in sharing my gifts because i might offend or hurt someone.
isn't that sad?
my Jesus says He delights in me!
He loves me!
and He wants me to believe that i'm not just mediocre.
i'm created exactly how i'm supposed to be.
i just need to claim it and live it!
and revel in His glory... and His affirmation.

"the Lord your God is in your midst;
He is a warrior who can deliver.
He takes great delight in you;
He renews you by his love;
He shouts for joy over you.”
zephaniah 3:17

cupcake cutie

these two chickens finally went back to school 2 days ago.

hallelujah!

that sounds bad, but it's really not.
honestly, summer is a bit of a blur. (can you tell from my severe lack of posts???)
i felt like we were so busy we hardly had time to breathe.
they wanted to go, go, go.
and so we did!
but i'm exhausted!
i'm an introvert (surprise!) and so i need my downtime... badly!
i needed them to go back to school... partly because they were bored and they had begun to fight non-stop.
and partly because i'm selfish and i needed the house to myself again.
well, not totally to myself.
i still have this little munchkin home with me.

and is she ever the best little sidekick!

she, obviously, goes with me everywhere.

today was no exception.

i had a ton of errands to run... for church ministries, for family gatherings, for preschool.

it was a very busy morning.

and she was along for the ride for the whole thing.

i promised her that if she was a good girl, we'd go and get a cupcake after we were done.

you see, i'm not one of those moms that treats my kids very often.

i know, i know... shame on me.

but my girls get spoiled and treated by so many others that i just feel it's pointless when i do it.

i know that's not true, but that's how my mind works.

anyway... so mama going for a big old cupcake for a reward was a big deal.

and my little baby h took the bait... hook, line and sinker!

although, i wish i could say it helped her 'tude in the stores and places we had to go.

really, it didn't.

she was crazy.

running around and knocking stuff over. (i kid you not)

did you see me out and about this morning?

did i look frazzled?

because i was.

ha ha!

but after it was all said and done...

we stopped by to pick up a couple of cupcakes.

a promise is a promise, after all.

i chose a white cupcake.

chocolate is definitely not my most favorite, if you didn't know that already about me.
my flavor today was hawaiian pineapple!
mmm... coconut shavings on top!

baby h chose chocolate.
i mean really... for all you cocoa fans, this does look pretty delectable, doesn't it?
and those oreo bits on top?
heaven for an almost 4 year old, i tell you.

she was having a hard time being patient.
i told her i just wanted to take a few pictures.

hmmm... she was very close to taking my cupcake at one point!

 almost ready to dig in!

here we go!
that first bite!

the chocolate monster is out!

do you think she looks chocolate drunk?

i was laughing so hard at the faces she was making... she just couldn't stop!

she probably piddled in her pants a little.
and i may have too!

my turn!
unfortunately, she can't take pics of me.
so we have to resort to scary selfies!

sure, she didn't behave exactly how i wanted her to.
sure, i happened to be stressed to the max this morning while out and about with her.
but i'm guessing those aren't the things that her and i will remember about this day.
what we will remember will be the time we spent devouring our delicious cupcakes for lunch!
maybe i'm turning over a new leaf??