overwhelmed

i'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment.
usually it's my own fault.
and this is no exception.
fall is busy with a flurry of activity.
i've committed myself in many different areas.
i have my hands dipped in many pots.
i've said yes... feeling God move me towards an affirmation in each area.

yet, i still struggle.
i still feel like i've yet to find that perfect balance between commitments, necessities, family, friends, and more.
quite possibly, i'll never find the balance.
and when i start to feel overwhelmed looking at all my responsibilities, i naturally put myself into an anxious space.
and when i'm anxious i feel like i have tunnel vision.
i can't quite see the peripheral.
i can't quite grasp the things that i can ask for help with.
i feel burdened and heavy with duties and loyalties to people.
did you read that last line right?
... with duties and loyalties to people.
when i get into this space, i tend to want to shut down.

and really, when i'm overwhelmed, i forget to ask God for help.
i get so busy and so wrapped up in activity that i fail to acknowledge God's sovereign hand.
my duties and loyalties need to be to Him... and Him alone.
when i actually pause and devote time to speaking with Him and reading His word, i feel better.
i can and do handle it a lot better.
i don't do it all perfectly.
not at all.
but somehow, i can manage things in snippets and not get overwhelmed looking at the big picture.

so, here i am in this anxious space again.
what am i going to do about it all?
first and foremost, i'm praying!
pray, pray, pray, pray, pray my little heart out!
second, i need to read my bible.
luckily, i started a beth moore bible study this morning...
which means i'll be intentionally getting into The Word.

thirdly, i think i need to start making lists.
i mean, practicality needs to come in here too, right?
a dear friend of mine is a list maker.
she has a new list each and every day and crosses things off that list.
the thought of lists sorta overwhelm me too...
like it's just another job to do.
ha!
but maybe i should actually giving it a try?
and fourthly, i need to stop guilting myself when i mess up.
when i forget to get something done, when i neglect that 'list' and when i just need to have a little 'me' time.
so here goes nothing... pray, read my bible, make lists and be kind to myself because i will mess up.
can i feel my heart rate slowing down now?
well, not quite yet.
but i'm gonna try hard and know that it's not actually about me.
that God is still using me, even in my anxiousness.
and that all He asks of me is to keep my eyes on Him.

a big day

i have less than an hour to write a couple of thoughts down on here space.
today is my baby's fifth birthday.
FIVE!

every birthday is a milestone for each of my girls, but the fifth one was always big.
turning five meant you get to go to kindergarten.
and today just happens to be HER first day of kindergarten!
such an exciting time for children.
such a dreaded time for a lot of mamas out there.
i'm one of those.
baby h... my little sidekick will now be away from me every day for a few hours.
it's exciting and heart palpitation inducing, bittersweet and heart-renching all at once.
i'm a jumble of emotions and i'm hanging by just a thread.
yet, she. is. so. happy.
to her, five is the number she's been waiting for!

five means independence, new adventures, fun, fun and more fun!
she's so ready... so why aren't i?
i long for the days that i could hold her in my arms and rock her 'til she fell asleep.
where she relied on me for everything.
yes, they were exhausting... i was sleep deprived... cranky, i'm sure of it.
but looking through the lens of rose colored nostalgia, it's everything that i'm missing now!
sure, i'll have some more freedom.
i'll be able to have time to devote to other hobbies, people, community, church, etc.
those things are all good too, i recognize it.
but it's still a tough day.
like a double whammy... her fifth birthday and her first day of kindergarten all in one day.
almost too much for this mama to handle!
i got a text with instructions to turn the music up real loud... and dance around naked.
i might leave out the last part for today... but i'll take her advice and dance to some loud music.
a tear or two might fall from my eyes and maybe i'll just say it's the spirit of the music that's running through me!
and not the fact that my babies are growing before my eyes!
carpe diem!
thank you Lord for every good and perfect gift!
even the ones that are bittersweet!

beach pics by my talented friend charmaine toews.