anger

not sure where the anger is popping out of today...
but it's here.
and i hate it when it rears it's ugly head.
i just had a bad mealtime fight with my littlest.
not sure why i always have the need to control her eating habits.
maybe because she's always been on the tinier side i feel the need to "help" her.
really, she'll eat when she's hungry, right?
but yet, here i am, anxious and upset that she's sitting at the table for over an hour and has only taken one bite.
one bite.
ugh!
and that one bite was forced by me.
her mom.
tears and yelling.
that's what this lunchtime was.
and i hate it.
i finally just put her down for her nap because i was just too frustrated.
again, not sure where the anger is coming from today.
just knowing that i need some grace...
major grace.
here i am, failing, as usual.
and she's sound asleep and i'm the one with tears now.
feeling like i should go wake her up and cuddle her and apologize.
just keepin' it real today...

today i'm thankful...

i've said it before... and i'll continue to say it.
when i'm running alone, it's my time with Jesus... and i love that.
i pump my worship music and i go.
i'm sure cars driving by just stop and stare... and probably laugh a bit too.
i like to wave my arms,
sing out loud,
and generally make a fool out of myself.

but when i'm feeling it... really feeling it... i can't help it.
i turn into a praisy-pentecostal-arm-raisin' lady of the Lord!
ha!
especially today.
with a mild temperature (-2 celsius!) and the sun in it's full blown glory,
i couldn't help but sing praises to my King.

thank you Jesus for the small things today...
for legs that run,

for the bright sun shining down on me on my run,

for no pain in my knees on my run,

for mostly dry pavement on my run (yay... no slipping on ice!),

and for awe inspiring music on my run.

God, you are good... so good to me!

(yes... how i love the SUN!!!!  the glorious SUN!!)

my tan is slowly fading...

and i'm wishing i was here again...

or here...

or even here... with the lines and copious amounts of people.
at least it was warm!

really i'd be happy to be anywhere warm...
instead of here.

don't you like that i still have some christmas decor up?
can you blame me when there's still so much snow and cold temperatures?
oh, don't get me wrong.
i love where i live. (especially when i hear of the tremors they're feeling exactly where we were in palm desert this week)
i really do... but these extraordinarily long winters can get annoying.
yesterday it was all melty and sunny and felt like spring was around the corner.
today... cold... tomorrow... cold... it's just staying... COLD.

you wanna know what i really wish i could do?
i wish i could gather all the ones i love... and bring them all with me to the warm weather and sunshine!
any lear jets for sale in my price range?
can you tell i'm procrastinating and not hopping on the treadmill like i should be?

i'm writing a pointless blog post instead.
sigh...
motivation... yoo-whooo!!  where are you?!?!?

diving in

while on vacation in palm desert over the past couple of weeks, my oldest daughter learnt to dive.
with so much pool action happening, it was the perfect time to teach her.
honestly, she probably got it on the second or third try.
it was no problem for her.
it just came easily.
but i wonder if it would have been difficult, would she have kept trying?

i like to believe yes.
but when i'm trying to "dive" into something and it doesn't come easily...
what do i do?
to be honest, i give up quite a lot.
i'm not proud of this.
it's something i'm working on.

remember... my word for the year?
change.
little by little, i'm trying failing to change.
and i think i've finally figured out the problem.
i'm trying to do it on my own.
yet again.
duh...
you think after all these years i'd have enough sense to know i can't do it alone.

that i never will be able to do it on my own.
no, not ever.
i need Jesus.
i need Him.
for sure today, most definitely tomorrow and always in the future.

my weaknesses are too great.
and when i think of how pathetic and selfish i can be...
well, let's just say it can get quite depressing and overwhelming.
how can i ever change?
my God's grace IS, however, big enough for me.
not when i'm changed... but NOW!

right in this moment... when i'm scarred, when i'm broken down, when i'm tired and frustrated.
when i've hurt others, when they've hurt me, when i make mistakes.
His grace is sufficient for me.
and because of that...
i can just dive right in!
and not only into those safe and secure pools...
i can dive right into the ocean... wide, deep, dark and expansive.
some of those closest to me know that my greatest fear is the deep ocean.
and even there...
especially there my Saviour is with me.

knowing that He's there to pull me out of the crashing waves, no matter how strong the undercurrent is, gives me peace.
and confidence.
even when i'm down and out.
so, i'm going to have to try diving in...
and trusting that i'll never sink.