a week late...

did you know it's lent season?
my heart has been tugging at me for a week now.
i didn't grow up observing lent.
i always thought it was just for catholics.
but it seems lent has been popping up in evangelical churches the past decade or so.
i, for one, think it's really great.
depriving yourself of something to focus more on God.
sign me up... sounds simple enough, right?
but here's the thing... it's not supposed to be easy.
it's supposed to be tough.
i've given up chips and sweets before, which i thought was really hard.
but really... i just found another vice to fill my stomach with.
what keeps me from connecting with my God.
easy...
this mad beast...

if you don't get it...
it's the blasted computer.
blogs, facebooking, pinterest, randomness...
it's all so addicting.
and i get easily wrapped up in the computer and all it's time wasting entities.
so... i'm taking a break.
from blogs and facebook, specifically.
because i will admit that i have issues with being slightly obsessed.
all this to say... sayonara!
i'll be back come mid-april.

the oscars

i watch the oscars ever year.

not the entire thing, no.

but i catch the bulk of it.

am i a movie buff?

no.

definitely not.

truth be told, it's all about the fashion for me.

i enjoy the red carpet stuff almost more than the show.

(although how pumped is everyone to have billy back on the stage?!?)

so here's the list of my favourite's of the night...

and the not so favourite's.

first, my favorite of the night.

beautiful penelope cruz.

the ethereal blue tone on this dress, divine!

and so elegant.

it looks like she's floating.

LOVE it!

(come to think of it... the color is the same as my grad dress, circa 1997... no wonder i like it!!)

meryl streep.

i love her, i really do.

and she deserves all the credit for her acting ability, but not for her dress.

this is just my opinion but i'm just not digging it.

i think it's mostly the fabric.

gold lame?

i think she could have done better.

but... i'm not a fashion critic... just an observer!

she still looks beautiful though... just don't love that dress.

gweneth...

she looks amazing.

i am in love with this tom ford creation!

very elegant, understated but modern and fresh.

she looks so tall!

and that cuff!

that CUFF!!!

i want it!

great job... and the low key hair is perfect!

angelina, whether you love her or hate her, her dress was beautiful.

i, however, thought she didn't look very healthy.

when she was presenting on stage, her arms were so frail and stick like.

is this supposed to be the picture of healthy and fit?

i don't think so... 

and what is with her always sticking her leg out?!

strange.

so, in summary, the dress... gorgeous!

the wearer of the dress? 

needs to gain about 15 pounds to look better and healthier, in my not so humble opinion.

michelle williams...

dawson creek, man!

i loved that show back in the day!

she's come a long way since the mid 90's, huh?

she looked stunning last night and this louis vuitton tiered dress did not disappoint.

the color is incredible.

coral? yes please!

i could do without the little waist skirt... but it's sorta cute.

my fav however, the wave like patterns on the skirt.

i just want to touch the bottom and feel that fabric!

what i don't like? the pink purse.

just didn't go with the feel of the dress.

but that's just me.

natalie portman.

she is one of the prettiest, in my opinion.

i love that she's gorgeous, and also incredibly smart (doesn't she have an incredibly high IQ?).

the dress is alright, i guess.

but nothing spectacular.

to me it just looks like a 'prom' dress you could buy in the junior section at JCPenny.

maybe she was just trying not to outshine the best actress nominees of this year?

not sure, but i think she could have done better.

face, hair and jewels though?  beautiful.

and i love her manicure!

(on a side note, did anyone else notice she always seemed to be covering her abdomen area... 

either with her clutch or the envelope?  maybe preggers again?

or was it announced already and i'm just clueless?!?  ha ha ha!)

and this was me... last night...

enjoying my big old bowl of popcorn and a beer...

because, let's face it, i'm never gonna look like those hollywood girls...

so i might as well indulge, right?

hope you all had fun if you watched... and if you didn't, it was probably time better spent! ;)

raw cheeks

ok, gross, i know...
but the insides of my cheeks are so totally raw.
it's from these babies...

ohhhhh... SOOOOO good!
i'm seriously obsessed.
these thick cut sour cream and dill chips are the best chips EVAH!
they are so flavourful and yummy!
and if you live in canada near a superstore (or grocer that sells PC brand) then pick some up.
now.
i'm embarrassed to say that every time i grocery shop, i pick up like 3 bags.
ok, i'm not embarrassed to say that.
i'm embarrassed to say that i finish 3 big bags a week.
ok, now i'm cringing (as are you... i know it).

so, i just thought i'd share...
raw cheeks and all.
now i'm going out for a run to burn the calories off from these puppies.
that is all!

snow wonder there's no school!

ha!
yeah, i'm pretty funny... snow wonder?
ok, i know... lame-o.
we got a lovely snow day given to us today.
it's warm out... and we got a dumping.
the most we've gotten this season.
it's gorgeous outside and when i told my girls there was no school today...
they squealed in delight!
they already had yesterday off... and they have friday off.
talk about an easy week for them, huh?
me, on the other hand...
just kidding!

ok, i gotta admit... snow days are pretty fun.
a cozy warm house with nowhere to go?
we'll be doing a lot of this today...
cuddling in bed...

chillin' on the couch and watching a movie, perhaps...

and a lot of outdoor time... 
concluding with piles of wet outerwear, clogging up the back entrance.

anyway, my living room is calling... there's already a fort making party in process.
my skills are being summoned.
looking forward to today, even though i'll be cleaning and tidying more!
happy snow day! 

like a child

i've been having a bit of a rough go of things with my middle girl.
you see, she's terribly sensitive... but also extremely strong willed.
once she's upset about something, anything, it's hard to get her to snap out of it.
so she comes home from kindergarten at lunch today,
she starts to play with her little sister and then they start to fight (surprise, surprise) over the same doll.
i knew baby was playing with the one doll first so i told little k to give back the doll.
she snaps (like usual) and goes running and stomping into her room yelling, "no one lets me do ANYTHING!!"
you see, this behaviour can be pretty normal with this one.
she's highly emotional.
but... she's also the sugary sweetest little thing too.
so affectionate and lovey.

how to proceed?
i don't know.
even after a "talk" she was still so emotional.
then another thing set her off... and another thing...
she was freaking out in her room again.
finally...i had to resort to measures.
she sobbed in my arms and cuddled up to me.
i was crying too.
all of a sudden she stops crying and just lays there.
then she looks up at me, "mommy, can i change my clothes?"
and all is normal again.
it was like a light switch.
she was crazy... then calm.
i just sat there, sorta dumbfounded because i couldn't help but see the correlation that was playing out before my eyes.
here is my child...
my beautiful little girl.
i love her unconditionally, i do.
but she can make me so angry sometimes.
she continues to disobey, disregard my rules, be rude to me, etc...
discipline is necessary with children.
after i get through to her, she's open.
she's apologetic and genuine.

i see my own Father in this situation.
He loves me so much... true unconditional love.
there are ways that He is trying to guide me... trying to discipline me.
He sets rules in front of me to protect me, to love on me.
but do i always easily obey?
do i always believe He knows what's best for me?
no, i don't.
and like my middle daughter, He needs to show me His love with some discipline sometimes.
the hurt isn't always for nothing.
the hurt shows us where we can change things in our life that need changing.
the tough stuff isn't about us being punished.
no.
it's about us realizing that we are not alone and we cannot do it alone.
all He wants is for us to climb into His arms and let Him do His thing.
why do i need so much coaxing sometimes?
i'm not sure.
it's the best place to be... safe and comforted in the arms of my Saviour.
training my children is God's way of training me.
isn't that funny?
i learn so much more out of this mothering process about me, than about them.
it's the most absolute hardest job i've ever had, it's also the job that has brought me to my knees more times than i can count.
so thank you Lord for these hiccups... because i know You're just doing Your job as a parent.  :)

happy V day!

9

""Be... " was inspired by realizing all the things that a child not born would not experience. The writing in the background lists positive actions and activities and experiences a child not born would never know. This project was on my heart for an extended amount of time. It was an emotional piece to complete." - Jessica Gilliland


today marks the 9th anniversary of a sad event in my life.
9 years ago today i experienced a miscarriage.
and after that day, my life has never been the same.
traumatic events have a certain way of changing the course of your life.
they often alter the way you think and feel.
during that time i was completely and utterly devastated.
i was a few days shy of being 13 weeks.
13 weeks!
this is the time when you're finally starting to feel good again.
you're telling everyone the good news.
you're out of that "danger zone".
at least that's what i thought.
i'm not sure why, maybe because i'm a private person, but we didn't share our pregnancy news with a lot of people.
we only let our closest friends and family know.
maybe subconsciously i knew something would happen?
i'm not sure.
but when it did happen, i was in a state of shock.
i knew bleeding while you're pregnant wasn't good.
to make a very long story short, after a couple of days, my already passed on baby was removed from my uterus.
i felt empty.
i hurt... physically, yes, but emotionally i was in the worst kind of pain.
the feelings of grief consumed me.
i couldn't think about anything else but that baby that i lost.
it was my little august baby.
that's what i called it (because i was due in august).
i just couldn't figure out why God would want to put me through so much pain.
i couldn't look beyond my own circumstances.
i was drowning in a sea of doubt and anger.
it was a tough time in my life.
and during that time all i wanted was to go back to what it was like before.
i wanted to wish the whole entire experience away.
i didn't think there was any worth in it.
what was the point?
you can probably figure out what happened after...
i got pregnant again.
and, blessedly, that baby was brought to full term and i delivered a healthy baby girl.
plus two more afterward.
but i never forget that first baby.
and always, around this time of year, i remember my little august baby.
and although i'm sad that i had a little baby that i never met, i know that i'll meet him/her in heaven one day.
and now, do i regret that miscarriage?
never.
it has shaped who i am.
it has softened my heart... it has brought me closer to a lot women who have experienced similar events.
it helped me to not take for granted those subsequent pregnancies.
and above all else, it helped me realize that God was with me that entire time.
when i felt most alone and broken, i think He was probably reaching out the hardest for me.
i couldn't see it because i was so consumed but afterward i saw His hand on my life.
without that miscarriage, we wouldn't have our firstborn daughter.
it was a hidden blessing... a moment in my life where i could only see a tiny part of the tapestry that's being woven.
now that i see a piece of the bigger picture i know not to be afraid when we go through tough stuff.
He is ever faithful to provide, amidst and especially IN those moments.
so i say, "thank you Lord for that time, 9 years ago...
for my sweet august baby....
and for loving me through the mess.
i know now that You knew exactly what You were doing."


this verse was my saving grace during the winter/spring of 2003.
a close friend tucked a hand written note into my pocket at church and this is what it read:


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


i still have that note, all these years later...

His love is enough

do you ever get the feeling that you're just not good enough?

you can't seem to do anything right?

not a good enough wife...

certainly not a good enough mother...

not a good enough daughter...

not a good enough sister...

not a good enough friend...

not a good enough... well, anything?

sounds like a pity party, don't it?

well, it's not really.

but these are normal thoughts that i have.

some days they're louder than others.

probably because things don't always work out according to my plans.

i will disappoint... i will be disappointed.

i will hurt others... i will be hurt by others.

it's just gonna happen, regardless of the type of person that i am.

and i can, embarrassingly, say that i put a lot of my self worth in what others think of me.

i do.

it sucks.

i'm trying hard not to let that happen but it still does.

but i pray and ask God to change my heart.

i need to find my worth in Him alone.

i need to be ok with what happens in my life... because i know His hand is on my life.

although i love, love, LOVE all the people in my life...

and i want to be my all to them...

i need to focus more on being my all to Him.

so what does that look like?

“For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.” Deuteronomy 7:6 (NIV)

knowing i am treasured by God should be my first order of business.

when i feel love and accepted by Him, i think i'll be better equipped to deal with life's disappointments.

this process also involves a lot of prayer on my part.

crying out to Him to change me.

i want to be more like Him... to let go of selfish pride.

and He loves me no matter what.

i'm not gonna earn His love, it's already there.

it's always been there.

and there's nothing i can do to make Him love me more... or less.

He is constant and His love is perfect.

For I am the Lord, I do not change. Malachi 3:6

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Hebrews 13:8

His love never changes.

His love never fails.

lyrics... which are just so perfect:

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jesus_culture/your_love_never_fails.html ]
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good